In my marriage, I’ve come to face a challenge I never anticipated: my husband’s fixation on my past partners. It’s as if he’s in an invisible competition with people who no longer play any role in my life. He constantly compares himself to them, asking questions, making assumptions, and sometimes even accusing me of still harboring feelings for them. This behavior has created a strain in our relationship, leaving me feeling frustrated and unsure of how to help him move past it.

It started innocently enough. Early in our relationship, he’d ask about my past—what my previous partners were like, how those relationships ended, and what I’d learned from them. I didn’t mind sharing at first; I thought it was a way for us to build trust and understanding. But over time, his curiosity turned into obsession. He’d bring up my exes in unrelated conversations, asking pointed questions like, “Was he more successful than me?” or “Do you ever think about what your life would be like if you were still with him?” No matter how many times I reassured him that I’m fully committed to him and that my past is behind me, he couldn’t seem to let it go.

I’ve come to realize that this is likely a manifestation of retroactive jealousy—a form of insecurity where someone feels threatened by their partner’s past relationships. But understanding the root of the problem doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I’ve tried to approach the situation with empathy, recognizing that his feelings may stem from a place of inadequacy or fear of not measuring up. Yet, despite my efforts to reassure him, the comparisons and questions persist, creating a sense of tension and mistrust in our marriage.

The impact on our relationship is undeniable. I find myself avoiding certain topics or stories from my past, worried that they might trigger another round of jealousy. It’s exhausting, and it’s starting to feel like we’re stuck in a cycle that neither of us knows how to break. I’ve suggested therapy as a way to address this issue constructively, but he’s hesitant. He says he doesn’t want to “dwell on the past,” which feels ironic given how much he fixates on it.

I love my husband deeply, and I want our marriage to thrive. But for that to happen, we need to find a way to address his retroactive jealousy and rebuild the trust and connection that brought us together in the first place. I believe that with open communication, patience, and perhaps professional guidance, we can work through this. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight, but I’m hopeful that we can find a way to move forward—together, without the shadows of the past looming over us.

Retroactive jealousy is a complex issue, but it doesn’t have to define our relationship. By addressing it constructively, we can create a stronger, more secure foundation for our marriage—one where both of us feel valued, understood, and free from the weight of comparisons.