This will be a long post so bare with me. I’ll bring you on my journey.

I (33F) and my husband (35M) have been together for 15 years. We were friends and slowly started dating until a few years later we got married. We moved countries and had our first child. We were still best friends, always joking, laughing, hugging, going for dates, etc. After we moved countries, he started a new job. I stayed home with our 1 year old, and since my degree was very difficult to use (paperwork), it made it hard for me to have a job in my field. I was happy to stay home and take care of the house and our kid, and I took some odd jobs to bring in some money plus getting more involved in the new culture. My husband’s new job was very demanding, and the environment was young and fresh. He would work long hours (8am-8pm), and would travel, attend conferences, team events, co-workers social activities, etc. Slowly, his job became almost everything to him.
This new job was very stressful and a lot was resting on his shoulders, not just a lot of work tasks but also being the main provider for our family (we needed this job). So he started coming home stressed, annoyed, tired. He started to not want to spend time with me but after long workings hours he wanted to just be alone with his phone or a movie. He would be snappy and quickly to be angry with me… most of the things I did was annoying to him.
I would plan dates for us but instead of him being in our date he was stressed thinking about work and texting on his phone (work related emails), and to be honesty paid me little attention.
You might think, okay that sounds terrible, why didn’t you leave? well, it wasn’t terrible all the time. He would do 3 bad things and 2 good things. He sometimes still got me flowers randomly, or planned nice birthdays for me, we still had a few trips together (grandma had our kid) and he would be nice and focus on me. However, slowly the balance didn’t balanced up. There were more times where the would use me as an emotional stress punching bag than otherwise.
I was not a priority for him, I was a lamp in the corner of a room when he wanted to use me and when he wanted to me give attention but otherwise… I was just there, being ignored.
It was 4 years of a rollercoaster of ups and downs. He would tell me “I dont have friends or hobbies and therefore that might be why I take me stress on you”.
I would blame myself, I thought I wasn’t enough, I was not understanding enough, I was not a good wife and friend to him. So, I tried, I thought… if I want him to change I need to change myself. I cooked more, cleaned more, was nicer, was less pushing him to spend time with me, when he answered me with an angry remark I didn’t fight him I left him be. I thought, if I do all of this.. then I get my husband back, right? well.. I did sometimes for a few days, but quickly things would revert to him being stressed, annoyed and angry.

Things improved slightly and we started to talk about adding a new member to the family (I know I wanted to believe all was better FINALLY), we were financially very stable, I got a job in my working field. However, in my last pregnancy I got very sick and it was 90% likely I would be that sick again. Nothing life threatening but it felt me bed bound feeling very sick for a few months. My husband was the one driving the idea of another child and don’t get my wrong I was 100% on board too, but I was scared his job would make it complicated him being there for our kid while I was sick and holding on “the fort”. He assured me he would be there 100% and he would cut down work to be at home more and be there fore me/us.
I got pregnant and as we guessed, I got very sick. I was in the hospital in and out for days. He would come visit me with my daughter for a few min, and “tried” to be there. But honestly I don’t think he knew how, he was too deep into work. He didn’t cut down work in fact he started a new project that was the most demanding one till date. He would come physically but mentally he wasn’t there, he was working. A particular day I was feeling very depressed, I have been in the hospital for a week and I was feel SO SICK. It was a weekend and he came visit me with our kid. After 30min he started to say goodbye and I asked him to please stay longer, I was feeling very sad and alone. He told me he couldn’t bc he already had plans with a friend (helping him move houses), so he needed to go. I begged him to stay, that I needed him, I was sobbing. He said he was sorry but he needed to go couldnt let his friend down. He left. AND THAT WAS THE STARTING OF THE END.
The whole pregnancy it was in a similar context, he wouldn’t touch the belly, talk to the baby, nothing bc in his logic it was pointless, he would be there later on when the baby was born. If I had a doctor’s appointment he would be there but only physically, but always on his phone texting, emailing, etc. Barely any interaction with me I felt alone.

Baby was born and to his word, he was there, more present. helping out, connecting with the baby. He took paternity leave and things were better again. Was he still snappy, yes… but less. Was he still easy to get angry? yes, but better. Things were just moving towards better and I felt hopeful. Until… he started talking about this co-worker everyday, how she was so annoying, she smelled bad, her voice was manly, she dressed terrible. I didn’t think much of it, never doubted my husband before. However, this was a rare behaviour for him, he never talked much about his co-workers. After a few weeks this raised a red flag in my mind. Our second baby was around 4 months at this stage. I checked their work messages (Yes, I know its bad) and well, there were cheeky messages, flirty, he was so nice and lovely to her, funny, engaging, responsive. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. For the last 5 years I have gotten this guy who was rude to me, snappy, angry, annoyed… and she got this? she got HIM, the nice HIM. IT BROKE ME. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat.
I confronted him, and he was shocked. First he said it was nothing, then he said he was being just “normal” nice. After a while, he couldn’t denied he was flirty. However, his excuse was: he was flirty bc he wanted her to approve his project, he was “using” her. But she still didn’t like her. He apologised. He stopped texting her and she left the company 3 months after. (till this date I have no idea what really happened between them).

BUT THIS WAS THE END. Somehow my brain detached, I went numbed. It was a slow process of around 1 year, but I started to feel nothing. He broke me. He broke my love for him. I started to focus on myself, get a new job, going back to the gym, starting a new hobby.

I started a new job. I have been told I’m attractive and beautiful. But I didn’t feel any of that these past years, I felt lacking. When I started my new job, I got attention…Oh boy, I did. I was told daily from different people (women & men), I was pretty, smart, fun. I never entertained any flirting, but I wont deny it felt good. It started to build my confidence. If I needed help and my husband didn’t want to help me I had guys running to help. Supermarket bags? no problem. Car issues in the middle of a street? no problem a guy will always come ask if I needed help. Doors were being opened for me. Numbers from random men in restaurants would land on my table. I never took any btw, I would never disrespect my vows.

I was so far off my husband, I was living in another planet. Once I craved his hugs, now I didn’t want them. I loved to hold his hands, now it felt like an obligation. I requested his attention and now I didn’t need it. Once I thought he hung the moon, I would see him and just think he was perfect… now, I couldn’t barely look at him, it made me upset.

He noticed. His work was not going great, his company was not the same anymore. He hated work and was working bare minimum. So, he started noticing me. He hated not being the center of my attention. He hated I had now a social life, friends, looked great, my job was amazing and he was observing from the sideline. I didn’t need him and he knew. He felt bad, he started planning dates, asking for my attention. Getting jealous. He cried and beg for me to “come back to him”. I said: I’m here, but you hurt me too much, I dont know how to be that person again and honestly, I dont want to.
He started to carry the relationship, or tried at least. He planned dates, was more loving, starting conversations. I was just there, I was “trying” but I felt like I couldn’t trust him with my heart and myself. When was the other shoe gonna drop? He is nice today, but what about tomorrow?
I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him anymore.
Sometimes when you break something, you can’t put it back together, no matter how much you want to do so.

EDIT: I know why some ppl might say it’s fake and I assure you is not. I’m not a writer, wish I was. I even shocked myself how eloquently I wrote this post, I’m more of a power point type of story telling person. I created a throw away account for obvious reasons. I dont want it on my main account.