I never thought I’d be the type to wander into a club alone, but my husband encouraged me. He doesn’t mind when I meet other men. In fact, it excites him. The first time I stepped out like this, I felt a rush of adrenaline mixed with guilt. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it for me or for him. The music pulsed through the dark room, and I let myself slip into the moment. I danced with strangers, felt their hands on my body, and for a while, forgot everything else.

Later that night, after I had gone home with someone I met, I took photos. I hesitated, my finger hovering over the “send” button, wondering what it would mean once he saw them. But when I sent the photos, my phone buzzed almost immediately. His response was filled with excitement, admiration even. He told me I looked beautiful and that he loved me with all his heart. It felt strange, but part of me liked knowing he was still connected to me in some way, even though I had been with someone else. I wondered if this was his way of keeping us close, or if he was pushing me away while pretending to pull me in.