In my marriage, I’m constantly battling someone I can’t see—my husband’s jealousy of my past. It’s a strange and disheartening experience, knowing that the person you love is obsessed with comparing himself to men who no longer matter. I thought we had a strong relationship, one based on trust and mutual respect. But his jealousy has turned into a third presence in our marriage, one that he refuses to let go of.

It started innocently enough. My husband would ask about my past relationships, curious about who I dated before we met. I answered his questions honestly, thinking it was part of building a deeper connection. After all, we both had lives before each other, and I believed that knowing each other’s history would bring us closer. But what I didn’t realize was that his curiosity was masking a deep-seated insecurity.

As time went on, the questions became more intense, more focused on the men I’d been with. He didn’t just want to know who they were; he wanted to know everything about them. “What did he look like?” he’d ask, almost casually, as if it were no big deal. “Did you think he was more attractive than me?” Sometimes, I could see the hurt in his eyes before I even answered, as if he was bracing himself for a competition he believed he’d already lost.

At first, I tried to reassure him. I told him that those men were part of my past, that they didn’t matter now. I told him that I chose him, that I love him. But no matter what I said, it wasn’t enough. His jealousy wasn’t about the present—it was about his fear that he wasn’t good enough, that he couldn’t measure up to the men I’d once loved. It was a competition he was having in his mind, and I couldn’t convince him that he was already the winner.

It didn’t take long for his jealousy to infiltrate every part of our relationship. If we went to a restaurant I’d been to with an ex, he’d sulk for the rest of the evening, wondering if I was thinking about the past. If I mentioned a fun trip I took before we met, he’d ask, “Who were you with?” as though the memory was tainted by the company I kept. It was exhausting, trying to navigate the minefield of his insecurities. I began editing my own memories, leaving out details or avoiding certain topics altogether. It felt like I was erasing parts of my life just to make him feel better.

But no matter how careful I was, the jealousy always found its way back. He would ask me if I ever missed any of my exes, or if I ever compared them to him. The truth is, I don’t. When I look back on those relationships, I don’t feel the same way he imagines. I’ve moved on, and I’ve built a life with him. But his jealousy makes it impossible for us to move forward together. We’re always stuck in the past, reliving moments that should have stayed buried.

The most painful part is that his jealousy is driving a wedge between us. Instead of enjoying the present, we’re constantly dragged backward, into a world of comparisons that only exist in his mind. I want to focus on our love, our future, but it feels like we’re always competing against ghosts. I’ve told him how much it hurts me, how much it’s hurting us, but he can’t seem to stop.

I don’t know how to fix this. I love my husband, but his jealousy is slowly eroding the foundation of our marriage. I want him to see that I’m here with him, now, in the present. But as long as he’s competing against the men from my past, I fear we’ll never truly move forward.