My husband’s fixation on the men I dated before him is slowly beginning to wear down the foundation of our relationship. It’s not that he brings them up every day, but when he does, it’s like he falls into a spiral of self-doubt and second-guessing. I can see how much it bothers him—how he’s looking for faults in himself through these comparisons, and it’s painful for both of us.

It often starts innocently, with him asking questions about my past relationships. “What was he like?” he’ll ask, and I’ve always tried to answer honestly, reassuring him that my past holds no power over my feelings for him. But somehow, he twists my answers into a self-imposed critique, as if every word is a hidden message about something he’s lacking. If I say someone was funny, he’ll ask if he makes me laugh enough. If I mention a hobby an ex had, he’ll wonder if he’s interesting enough for me. Each detail, no matter how small, becomes a reason for him to doubt his own worth.

I’ve tried to help him understand that my love for him isn’t based on comparisons to my past but is rooted in the man he is today. But his fixation with measuring himself against memories only he seems to care about leaves us both feeling exhausted. It feels as if he’s battling invisible rivals that only he sees, and in doing so, he’s losing sight of the present, the life we’ve built together, and the happiness we share.

This ongoing need for validation affects our relationship in ways I hadn’t anticipated. It’s as if his fear of not being enough creates an emotional distance between us. I feel like I’m constantly reassuring him, reminding him of his value, but it doesn’t seem to reach the core of his self-doubt. He’s so focused on the faults he thinks he has compared to others that he’s missing the beautiful, unique love we have right in front of us.

I sometimes fear that if he continues down this path, our relationship will fracture under the weight of his insecurities. I wish he could see that there’s no one in the world who could replace him in my heart. But until he finds a way to let go of these comparisons, we’re stuck in this cycle, with his fixation on my past holding us back from fully enjoying our present.