“My husband constantly compares himself to men from my past due to retroactive jealousy—is this normal behavior?” This question has lingered in my mind for some time, as I try to understand and navigate this complicated aspect of our marriage.

Retroactive jealousy, as I’ve come to learn, is a preoccupation with a partner’s past romantic or sexual experiences. For my husband, it manifests as a constant need to measure himself against the men I dated before him. He asks questions that seem to come from nowhere—“Was he better looking than me?” or “Did he make you laugh more?” Sometimes, these questions seem harmless, but other times, they feel like an emotional minefield.

I love my husband deeply and see no reason to compare him to anyone. But for him, these comparisons feel real, urgent, and deeply tied to his self-worth. He struggles with the idea that I had a life before we met, that my past shaped me in ways he wasn’t a part of. No matter how often I reassure him that he’s my choice, my forever, the doubts creep back in.

This behavior can be exhausting, not because of his questions, but because I see how much pain it causes him. He’s trapped in a cycle of self-doubt that affects his confidence and our emotional connection. It’s hard to watch someone you love battle against thoughts that feel so irrational yet hold so much power.

We’ve started addressing this together. Therapy has been a crucial step, helping us both understand where his feelings come from and how to manage them. He’s also working on building his confidence, focusing on the present rather than an imagined competition with my past.

Is this normal behavior? Maybe not, but it’s part of his emotional landscape. Together, we’re learning to navigate it with compassion and understanding.