My husband is a kind and loving man, but there’s a shadow in our marriage that we can’t seem to escape: his retroactive jealousy. For those unfamiliar, retroactive jealousy is an obsessive insecurity about a partner’s past relationships or experiences. In my case, my husband constantly compares himself to the men I dated before we met.

It started subtly—curious questions about my past, like, “What did your ex do for a living?” or “Was he better looking than me?” At first, I thought it was harmless curiosity, but over time, it became more intense. He started bringing up my past during arguments or moments of vulnerability, as if those experiences somehow diminished what we have now. He asks questions I don’t know how to answer, like, “Do you think I’m as good as they were?” or “Why did you stay with them so long if they weren’t right for you?”

I’ve tried reassuring him, emphasizing that my past has shaped who I am today, and it’s him I’ve chosen to spend my life with. But no matter what I say, it feels like he’s competing with ghosts. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking because I can see how much it hurts him, but I don’t know how to help him move forward.

Is this normal behavior in a marriage? I understand everyone has insecurities, but this obsession feels like it’s slowly chipping away at the foundation of our relationship. I want to help him, but I also need space to feel like my past doesn’t define me in his eyes.