Before I begin I will give a bit of the backstory, I know it’s a lot to read but I am spiraling and losing my mind, I don’t know what to do anymore.
My husband (53M) and I (50F) and I have been together for 12 years married for 8. We have a daughter (7F) that is the light of both of our lives. I love my little family more than anything in the world. My husband is a great partner and father. We both work and up until a year and a half ago I would have said we lived a very comfortable life. Unfortunately, a year and a half ago our daughter was diagnosed with cancer. The news put us under a great emotional and financial strain. Between treatments, procedures, chemo, and doctor visits we were struggling to still have money for basic necessities. Tensions were high and our marriage started struggling during this time. Mostly due to the fact both of us were stressed and working long hours all the time.
A couple of months ago my husband mentioned to me that he was being considered for a promotion at work that would increase his salary significantly. This proportion would help solve our financial problems, and hopefully help us get back to old times. I was really hoping my husband would be able to get it. A week later I attended a work event with my husband and started chatting with his boss. I mentioned how our daughter needed so much medical attention and we were struggling to make ends meet, I mentioned how my husband worked so hard for this company, and how this promotion would really change our lives right now. His boss seemed very sympathetic of the situation and told me he would definitely take that into consideration when making a decision. He asked me for my number to check up on our daughter, and I honestly didn’t think anything of it so I gave it to him. He continued making conversation here and there the rest of the night, but nothing inappropriate or weird.
The following Monday I received a call from my husbands boss, I thought it was odd and asked if everything was ok with my husband. His boss said he could not stop thinking about our situation and would like to discuss things with me over lunch. He said he didn’t want to make my husband feel like this promotion was a pity party for him if he did end up getting in and that’s why he wanted to talk to me alone.
I agreed and we met up for lunch an hour or so later. Once we were at lunch my husbands boss started explaining the benefits that would come with the promotion. The promotion came with a significant salary increase, larger percentage of quarterly bonuses, and a larger percentage when it was time for profit sharing (which is something my husbands company does every year). Honestly, if my husband was able to get this, our income would increase by approximately 50-60k a year. After he explained this to me, the conversation completely changed and turned into how attractive he found me and how many other qualified candidates had applied for the position. I quickly understood where this was going and why he had asked to meet me alone. I did not know how to react to this and simply said i felt uncomfortable and attempted to leave, to which he stopped me and said he would give me time to think. He said it would just be one time in exchange for a better life, and that he had to make a decision on the promotion by Friday, so I had till then.
I was so disgusted by this and planned on telling my husband when he got home. When I got home I started looking over some of our finances and realized we were worse than I thought. I would probably have to get a second job soon. My husband ended up coming in pretty late that night, he had been putting in so much overtime in order to impress his boss.
I sat and thought about our situation all night. I thought about how we would not be able to afford a relapse in my daughters health with our current salaries, how i couldn’t remember the last time we went on a vacation, how if my daughter did have a relapse i wanted to make sure she experienced as much as she could while I had her and how we couldn’t afford that. Now, I know the next part will receive judgement and trust me I hate myself for it as well, but I ended up calling my husbands boss the next day. I asked what exactly he wanted from me. He told me he wanted to sleep with my once, and he would guarantee my husband the position with all the benefits he had mentioned. I told him okay and he messaged me with the place to meet, time and date. For the next couple of days I tried not to think about what I was going to do and instead focused on how much i loved my family.
When the day came, I thought and reassured myself this was the right decision for my family. I told my husband I was going to dinner and a movie with some girlfriend that wanted to take me out since I had been so stressed. He kissed me and told to have fun. I showed up at the hotel and went up to the room. Once I was there….well you know what happened. I cried the whole time through it and tried my hardest to disassociate from what was happening. I wish I could say it was over fast, but it wasn’t. I didn’t move, I just laid on the bed crying. Once it was over, he told me “Make sure you’re ready to celebrate tomorrow, your husband just landed a huge promotion” got dressed and left. I will never forget how disgusted I felt when hearing those words. I laid for i don’t know how long on the bed before finally getting dressed and heading home. When I got home I took the longest shower I ever have. I went straight to bed and cried myself to sleep. My husband tried comforting me, thinking I was crying about our daughter.
For the next month, I couldn’t look my husband in the face. However, it was great to see him without all the stress and worry all the time. He had been so excited whenever he told me he got it the promotion.
About a month after the encounter, my husbands boss called asking to meet up again. I told him to fuck off and not contact me again, but he said if I didn’t meet up with him he would not only fire my husband, but also tell him about what had happened. I freaked out I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t imagine how devastated my husband would be if he found out I had cheated on him. I also knew we couldn’t afford for him to lose his job. So I did it. I met up with him. And it happened again. And 2 weeks later again. And 2 weeks later again. It’s been going on for a little under a year now. He calls and wants to meet up, blackmails me everytime, and I give in everytime. I cry for hours after every time. I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel so trapped. At this point I don’t have intimacy with my husband anymore. I can’t even look at him knowing what a piece of shit i am. I love him so much yet I am cheating on him every other week. I know that I don’t deserve sympathy or forgiveness. I know si chose to do this. I hate myself so much.
