I’ve been married to my husband for five years, and while there are many things I love about our relationship, there’s one issue that keeps resurfacing: his constant need to measure himself against my previous relationships. It’s as if he’s in an invisible competition with the men from my past, and no matter how much I reassure him, he can’t seem to let it go.

It started subtly. He’d ask casual questions about my exes—what they were like, how we met, why things ended. At first, I didn’t think much of it. I figured he was just curious about my life before him. But over time, the questions became more pointed, and his tone shifted from curiosity to comparison. He’d say things like, “I bet he was more successful than me,” or “You must think I’m boring compared to him.” No matter how often I told him that my past relationships were irrelevant to our life together, he couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that he was somehow falling short.

I’ve tried to understand where this behavior is coming from. Is it rooted in feelings of inadequacy? Does he fear that he doesn’t measure up to some idealized version of what a partner should be? Or is it deeper than that—a fear of abandonment or a lack of trust in our relationship? I’ve reassured him countless times that I chose him for who he is, not for how he stacks up against anyone else, but my words don’t seem to sink in.

The constant comparisons are draining. It feels like he’s holding onto a version of me that no longer exists—a version tied to my past—and it’s creating a wedge between us. I want to help him work through these feelings, but I’m not sure how. I’ve suggested therapy, both individually and as a couple, but he’s hesitant. He says he doesn’t want to “air our dirty laundry” to a stranger, but I worry that without professional guidance, we’ll keep going in circles.

I love my husband, and I want our marriage to thrive. But for that to happen, we need to find a way to address this retroactive jealousy. It’s not just about his insecurities; it’s about creating a space where we can both feel secure and valued. I hope we can find a way to move forward, together, and leave the shadows of the past behind.