I (F28) have always been a sexual person. I have these deep, dark twisted sexual fantasies. I won’t get too much into it but I will say my favorite categories are bbc gangbang, lesbian and CNC. I know, I know. Don’t judge me yet it gets worse.

I met my husband 5 years ago. We’ve been married for almost 3 years. He’s the best person I know however he’s extremely vanilla. He’s just so nice, even in bed. I want to be treated like a whore. But I find myself faking orgasms and being left sexually frustrated more often than not. He’s pretty much the perfect husband…he just doesn’t know how do make me cum. It’s not awful, just boring.

Last weekend, we planned to go out together. He was tired from the day and decided to stay home last minute. I was frustrated but I understood. I told him that I still wanted to go out so I called a girlfriend of mine, C. We met up, went to a bar in the next town over and met 2 guys. We flirted and danced with them. They bought our drinks and before I knew it I was completely fucked up. We teased them saying how we’d hooked up with each other once in college, not true. The next thing I know, C and I are making out with her hand in my panties, in our shared Uber with these two men and we’re heading to one of their houses.

That night, I fucked all 3 of them. I remember eating C’s pussy while the guys took turns on me. I came over and over and over. I loved it. It was euphoric. When they were done, the guys nutted on our tits…I was living my best life.

I woke up around 6 AM, still naked. I washed my face and wiped myself down the best I could. I was still riding the wave of the night before when I remembered my sweet husband. I don’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve this. How could I do this to him?! In one night, I’ve done a lifetime’s worth of emotional damage and I know it.

I told him that I slept at C’s to avoid drinking and driving. He was so understanding. He’s been trying to be intimate the last couple of days and I just say I feel sick. I feel awful. I can’t tell him I’m a whore. But I like being a whore. But I don’t wanna lose him. And while I feel like trash, I can’t deny that was the best night of my life…

UPDATE

I told him everything.

He came home from work today with a fresh haircut and my favorite candy. He told me he could tell that I’ve been off and wanted to cheer me up so he wants to take me on a movie date, which has always been our thing. ‍♀️ Ever since I woke up on Saturday morning, I have been more quiet and less affectionate I couldn’t Even look him in the eye. He kept asking me what is wrong and trying his best to make me smile or make me laugh all week, which only made me feel worse.

I am trash. I can’t believe I really did this to him. I cheated on the love of my life for a meaningless orgasm, and while in the moment it felt great, sitting there preparing myself to confess what I had done to him, I could just die. It was so stupid and not worth it at all.

I told him to sit down, and that I needed to talk to him about something serious. He sat down with a concerned look on his face and put his arm around me. He asked me “baby what’s the matter?”

I scooted myself away from him a little. I took a deep breath, and still without even looking at him. I blurted out “I cheated”. After a minute of complete silence, he looked at me. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him, and he asked me when and with who. I told him everything that I could remember about that night. I had only ever seen him cry twice before today. He asked why I did it. I told him about my sexual frustration and I told him that it doesn’t justify my actions and that I understand that I’m wrong. I begged him to please not leave me. I swore I would never do anything like that ever again and that I would commit the rest of my life to making it up to him if he would just please stay. I could see the pain in his eyes and hear how his breathing changed. He asked me if it was good, if I liked it I couldn’t bring myself to answer that. I started crying and he drew his own conclusions. He sat next to me, tears streaming down his face for a minute or two.

All of those things I did, was so fun and exciting and liberating, but now describing it back to him, I hate myself. I ruined my marriage by thinking with my clit.

He didn’t say anything else he stood up, grabbed his keys and left, and I’m just sitting here crying because I know I deserve this.

Y’all don’t be like me, don’t cheat if you love your partner and you’re having problems talk to them. I promise you I would have rather had 1 million awkward conversations about what I needed from him than this one conversation about how I betrayed him.

UPDATE

he texted me saying that he wanted to come over so we could talk. When we got to the house, we sat down on the couch, and he was super calm, which made me nervous. I was fully prepared for him to go off on me or telling me that he wanted a divorce. But that’s not what happened.

He told me that my actions hurt him, but that he couldn’t be mad at me because he had an affair last year for about four months. He told me he ended it In November. He said that he didn’t love the girl, and that it was meaningless sex. A detail that I did not include in my original post is that I actually had talk to him about my fantasies multiple times, he just felt that it would be disrespectful to do that to his wife. He said if we tried those things, and I actually did not like it but he did I would feel differently about him. He explained to me that my fantasies turned him on, but he didn’t know how he could do that with me he told me. He was ashamed of having an affair, and was planning to take that with him to the grave until I confessed yesterday.

Obviously, it hurt like hell to hear that however, I’m not mad at him at all. How could I be? After a long conversation, some crying and some laughing, we discussed our options from here. We explored the idea of an open relationship but neither of us really want to do that. We talked about getting a divorce but we don’t really want that either. It seems like we could mutually agree that what we need is counseling and a better sex life.

We agreed that we wanted to give our marriage another chance. The conditions for this second chance are: 1. we both get tested immediately 2. we attend individual and couples counseling and 3. we do one month of being separated to reset and figure out if this is what we both truly want. In that time no dating anyone else and no sex with anyone. During that time we will have 1 date with each other a week and attend counseling together.

I know a lot of you have opinions and that’s fine but at the end of the day this is our relationship. Fucked up as it may be, we do love each other. I don’t know if it will work out, but I hope it does.

Thanks to those of you that met me with respectful advice and perspectives. It was really helpful to me and gave me an opportunity to reflect on myself as a person and think about the issues that I have and how I can be better for myself and those around me.

For those of you who were self righteous enough to criticize me after jerking off to my story and your mom’s basement, respectfully, fuck you.