I’m Karen, 55 years old, and I’ve been married for a few years now. While every marriage has its ups and downs, my husband has been struggling with something that seems to be taking a toll on both of us: retroactive jealousy. This means he’s constantly comparing himself to the men in my past, even though those relationships ended long before we met. He often brings up my exes out of the blue, questioning what I saw in them and how he measures up against them.

At first, I thought it was just a phase or a sign of insecurity, but it has persisted and even intensified over time. He asks detailed questions about my previous relationships, almost obsessing over who they were and what our connection was like. Sometimes, it feels like he’s more focused on my past than on the life we’re building together. It’s like he’s haunted by these people he’s never even met, and it’s affecting our relationship in ways I never anticipated.

I’ve tried to reassure him countless times that he’s the one I chose, the one I love, and that my past doesn’t define my present or future. I’ve explained that those relationships are over for a reason and that he is the man I want to spend my life with. But it seems like no matter what I say, he can’t let go of these thoughts. It’s as if he’s competing with ghosts, and it’s tearing us apart.

This behavior has started to affect our intimacy and communication. He’ll make snide remarks about the way I talk about my past or react defensively if he perceives that I am not giving him enough attention. Sometimes, he’ll even go through old photos or keepsakes and become upset if he finds something that he thinks links back to those earlier relationships. It’s exhausting, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid triggering his jealousy.

I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. His constant need for reassurance and validation is draining. I feel like I’m losing myself in the process of trying to calm his insecurities. Instead of focusing on the present and creating new memories, we’re stuck in this endless loop of his jealousy over my past. It’s frustrating because I can’t change what happened before we met, and I don’t want to keep justifying my choices from years ago.

Is this weird behavior? It definitely feels that way to me. I understand everyone has insecurities, but this seems to go beyond normal jealousy. It’s like he’s fixated on something that doesn’t even exist anymore. I’m worried about the impact this is having on our marriage. I want us to move forward and enjoy our life together, but I don’t know how to help him let go of these fears and insecurities.

I’ve considered suggesting counseling, but I’m not sure how he’ll react. I don’t want him to feel like I’m dismissing his feelings or saying there’s something wrong with him. I just want us to be happy and for him to understand that he is enough for me. I want to focus on building a future together, not on ghosts from the past.